In my small high school, I considered myself relatively cool. OK, not THAT cool -– after all, listed below my senior yearbook photo in the Planonian were, among other activities, “Slide Rule Club”, Latin Club, and “School Fire Chief” -– but I was fairly popular and self-confident. I excelled in areas of interest, such as speech, debate, and science. By the time I graduated, I had paid my dues, learned the ropes, been around the block a time or two, and could speak in clichés. The world was my oyster!
Then I started university at a small and competitive private school. From the moment my parents dropped me and my stuff at the dorm, my world of competence and confidence began to crumble. I was now anonymous, and nobody knew or cared about my past accomplishments. I was in unfamiliar territory, starting over in almost every area of life. All of a sudden, I felt awkward and insecure.
Such existential angst occurs repeatedly in our lives. Most of us expend a lot of energy, consciously or unconsciously, working to fit in and to be competent. We each develop our own “comfort zone”, that unique blend of personality, social skills, preferences, and abilities from which we operate. And none of us relishes finding ourselves repeatedly in situations where we feel foolish, out of place, or incompetent – in other words, too far out of our comfort zones.
But of course it happens. Sometimes it’s when we’re faced with a new life situation or environment. It also happens in cross-cultural experiences, whether in one-time encounters with those different from us or when traveling or living overseas.
After living overseas for 14 years and traveling and working in 40 countries, I have felt these feelings of lack of mastery and awkwardness hundreds of times, often on a daily basis. It’s often the mundane daily activities that cause the newcomer trouble. Those in the “home culture” understand these things and do them without thinking, so it is all the more noticeable when an outsider unwittingly misses the cues, is at a loss, or acts outside the norms. A few personal examples from my cross-cultural experiences:
- I was in Shanghai for a week at a conference center where three meals a day were served family style with chopsticks as the sole utensil. Such a meal necessitates reaching repeatedly to the center of the table to fill your bowl from the many dishes circling on a rotating turntable. I’ve used chopsticks many times and feel confident with most of the time – at least until I encountered a particular bowl of thin noodles in broth. As my Chinese dining companions deftly wielded their sticks like bionic extensions of their fingers, every time I would pick up a bunch of noodles, by the time I reached my bowl, the sticks clutched one dripping noodle. I laboriously maneuvered bits to my bowl a noodle at a time, leaving a wet and sloppy trail along the way. What I most remember is that my six fellow diners were all aware of my struggle, but like parents teaching their toddler how to feed themselves, no one stepped in to offer advice or fill my bowl for me. I was thankful for their sensitivity and was able to laugh at myself and survive the meal!
- On a domestic flight during an early trip to India years ago I was settling back to drink my coffee after the meal. I casually tore open the packet of sugar and dumped it in. I looked down to see a mass of solid material floating atop the coffee. Instead of sugar, it was mukhwas – a packet of spices and seeds often eaten as a digestif and breath freshener after a meal. I casually glanced from side to side to see if my teenage son traveling with me or my fellow Indian travelers had noticed. (They had.) And this was my third trip to India! So much for my hoped-for persona of cosmopolitan globetrotter. Here I was, wanting to be James Bond but ending up Inspector Clouseau.
Being in a different culture offers daily opportunities to show one’s uncertainty or incompetence. Is this an appropriate gift? Do I address him as Herr Schmidt or Karl? Why had she not responded to my request? What is an appropriate toast for this occasion? Am I dressed properly for the meeting? On which cheek do I start the kissing sequence with my colleagues? By which name do I address my new Asian colleague?
And if you don’t speak the predominant language, the discomfort is multiplied. In Russia, I could read enough to survive, but my conversational level consisted of short phrases, nouns strung together, and a few present tense verbs.
Co-worker: “What did you do this weekend?”
Me: “I am riding the Metro. I eat in a restaurant. It is good!”
One problem of language learning is that sometimes a small, subtle difference in words can make a big difference. Many years ago, I accompanied a group of nursing students to rural Mexico on a public health project. Before administering immunizations, the student nurses had to collect personal health histories from the local residents. They had learned how to ask the questions in Spanish by using phonetic pronunciations. One earnest young woman, clipboard in hand, was getting startled looks from the Mexicans when she asked them their age. Instead of asking them “Quantos años (ah-nyos) tienes?” (“How old are you?”), she was asking “Quantos anos (ah-nos) tienes?”, which means “How many anuses do you have?” She was puzzled by the response – “Uno, el ultimo tiempo que verifique.” (“One, last time I checked.”) What a difference a tilde makes!
So, we can’t go through life avoiding encounters with different others or other cultures. And in those situations, there will be times that we have feelings of inadequacy. So, what can we do? Here are Four Easy Steps to Dealing with Your Cross-cultural Incompetency. (On second thought, take out the word “Easy”.)
- Face your FEAR.
FEAR is my acronym for “Foolishness & Embarrassment Avoidance Reflex”. It’s a built- in human reaction. Years ago, I fell off of a horse, fracturing my leg in three places. As I type this, I realize that I don’t really have to tell you the following fact: The horse was standing still at the time. Some friends were watching me from a distance, as I rode onto the parking lot to get my sunglasses out of the car. After retrieving them, I had grabbed the saddle horn and was in mid-mount when the saddle strap broke, sending me back off the horse and onto the pavement. I felt a severe pain in my leg, but my very first reaction was to jump up and smile at my friends like nothing had happened! When I tried to stand up, I looked down to see that my lower leg was twisted at a right angle from the upper part of the leg, but, amazingly, I was still intent on appearing nonchalant to my friends watching me! OK, so that’s a knee-jerk (no pun intended) reaction. But some people seem to have an overly sensitive “Foolishness and Embarrassment Avoidance Reflex”. They secretly live in fear that they might appear incompetent. It is extremely important to always appear suave, in control, expert. Missteps are very stressful, because it means they have fallen short of their ideal: perfection. This might be a result of personality preferences and/or early life experiences or any number of factors. For most of us, some healthy reflection will increase self-awareness of our particular comfort zone.
2. Lighten up. Have a sense of humor.
Accept that no one is perfect, and try not to take yourself too seriously. (Please note that I didn’t say don’t take life seriously, your job seriously, or your family seriously, etc. – Don’t take you too seriously!) If you can’t laugh at yourself and be a little self-deprecating, you may have a hard time in unfamiliar situations. Assume that in most cases, people are laughing with you and not at you. Having a sense of humor doesn’t mean that you have to be a standup comedian, It means that you can be flexible. The word humor comes from the Latin word umor, which means fluid or liquid. Learn to go with the flow. Admittedly, it’s not always easy to laugh at yourself in the stressful moment – it’s easier in retrospect. (The author James Thurber once said, “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.”)
3. Learn as you go.
As in most areas of life, the most effective people are the ones who are lifelong agile learners. Individuals who are learning agile actually seek challenging experiences, even knowing that there is some risk and uncertainty involved. Agile learners are curious experimenters and are comfortable with ambiguity. They reflect, learn from mistakes, and are open to feedback. As they learn something new, they then apply it to other new experiences. Cross-cultural learners are constantly reading, doing targeted research in anticipation of crossing cultures, and when in the situation, do much observing and question-asking. And being a learner presupposes that you don’t think that you have all the answers.
4. Continue to fine-tune your interpersonal skills.
There are many theories of how we gain cross-cultural competency, but one that rings true for me is the social skills model of cultural learning. Simply stated, most cross-cultural problems occur because people lack the requisite social skills and have difficulty negotiating certain everyday social interactions in a new culture. A person who is socially competent in their own culture may be frustrated and confused when they encounter interpersonal problems in a new culture. If this is true, it follows that we would do well to continually seek to improve our interpersonal skills. Rest assured that, if you’re a person who is basically kind, thoughtful, honest, genuine, humble, empathetic, tolerant, curious, respectful, a good listener, open-minded, comfortable in your own skin, able to laugh at yourself, etc. – you’ll be well on your way to feeling comfortable in any intercultural situation that comes your way.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t help your chopsticks dexterity.