Language Lesson Land – Making Serendipity Happen

A foreign language phrasebook can be a lifesaver when you’re in a place where the local language is Greek to you (Athens, for instance). Perhaps you’ve been in Copenhagen and were able to feel right at home when you could whip out the phrasebook and confidently say, “Jeg savn toilet tissue rask!” (“I need toilet tissue – quick!”)

In the past few years, I have spent much time perusing foreign language phrasebooks (mostly French) and their cousins, beginner foreign language lesson books. Both can be entertaining reading when you let your imagination run free.

I began to imagine what might happen if a language phrasebook were placed in a time capsule, not to be unearthed until centuries later by archaeologists seeking clues as to what social life in the 21^st century was like. Given only the written record of foreign language phrasebooks and lessons, how would they describe the inhabitants of this time in the distant past?

These future archeologists would deduce that 21^st century humans spent an inordinate amount of their time on public transportation and in hotels, restaurants and shops. They were evidently focused on survival. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, they seemed to hover at the base of the pyramid, devoting their time and energy to seeking food, shelter and the most basic needs. Forget Self-Actualization and Fulfilling One’s Potential – These people were constantly poring over menus seeking something to eat, searching for a decent place to stay, and shopping for various personal items.

According to the phrasebook manuscripts, these ancient people were a forgetful and perpetually lost lot:

I’ve lost my hat.
I left my umbrella on the train.
I cannot find my hotel.
Where is my overcoat?
Which way to the airport?
I’ve lost my way.
Where might I find public facilities?

Walking around disoriented, they were forever asking directions to the post office, a hospital, the bank, or the cinema.

They were also a very giving people. One page of the phrasebook reads:

John gave it to him.
He gave it to me.
I gave it to her.
We gave it to you. (“Did they not know about antibiotics?” the archaeologists muse.)

And then there are the people we read about in the language lesson books – We’ll call them the inhabitants of “Language Lesson Land”, who are also a strange bunch, as seen from their lifestyles and conversations.

(Note: I possess a somewhat dated French language textbook. All quotes below are the verbatim English translations straight from that book, although admittedly out of context…)

1. The inhabitants of Language Lesson Land are very nosy and gossipy. They constantly pester each other with intrusive personal questions. Where do you live? What is your phone number? What are you doing? Where are you going? Are you married? Do you have any money?

Who was that woman I saw you with last night?
She was my aunt who just arrived from Europe. (Yeah, right…)

The hotel clerk is a little too familiar with the guest’s mail:

Guest: Is there anything for me?
Clerk: Yes, a postcard, two letters and a rather large package. One of the letters comes from Italy and another from Spain. The stamps are very beautiful!

Guest: Yes, that’s true! Is there anything else?
Clerk: Yes, a registered letter.

Outside Language Lesson Land, you would get slapped if you asked this series of questions, say, in a bar:

What is your name?
What is your phone number?
Where do you live?
What are your prices?

2. Not only do these people constantly ask personal questions, but they also dutifully answer any and every question they are asked. They have no personal boundaries. They are never offended by this intrusive invasion of privacy. Just once, I’d like to hear one of them respond, “Casse-toi!” (Bug off! [the clean translation])

They are very transparent and self-disclosing. For instance, listen in on this casual conversation between a dietician and a businessman (who evidently just happened to run into each other on the street):

Dietician: Good morning, sir!
Businessman: I think I’m putting on weight.

D: Oh? You’re not managing to lose weight? Why not?
B: I’m always hungry. I’m always thirsty.

D: Do you exercise regularly? Seize every opportunity to eat salads.
B: And what must I not do?

D: Never choose cakes. Never choose ice cream. Never choose cheese.

3. These people gossip about and comment on everything. I picture Jacques and Eric leaning in and speaking in conspiratorial tones:

Renee and Marcel live with their parents.
They work in a bookshop.
Yes, and they “go out” a lot. (air quotation marks gesture imagined)

Other catty remarks:

He never works.
Pierre works slowly.
She exports nothing.
Marcel does not play the piano.
Alice is less humorous than Betty.
She speaks more distinctly than Paul.

4. People in Language Lesson Land can be blunt and tactless as well. In one conversation, when Helene shares her New Year’s resolutions with Michel, he responds:

“I’m sorry, I heard that last year! I don’t want to discourage you, but I’m certain that you will never do anything!”

When a customer brings a faulty answering machine back to the shop, the shopkeeper says:

“All of our products are of excellent quality. If you haven’t had a single message in two weeks, the only explanation is that no one calls you!” (Where’s Dale Carnegie when you need him?)

5. These folks, all named Pierre, Luc, or Laurent, Nicole and Marie, are a very jaunty bunch. They seem to spend most of their time in spirited and jocular conversations in cafes and discos.

Listen to the banter of these two suave guys at the disco. (I picture them in bellbottoms and shiny floral print shirts):

A: Do you see that woman over there?

B: Which one? There are many of them.

A: The pretty one with black hair.

B: The one who dances with the old gentleman?

A: Yes, that one.

B: Well, she is pretty enough, and she dances well.

A: Do you know her?

B: No I don’t. And you?

A: Neither do I, of course. That’s why I’m asking you!

B: OK. I can see that she interests you.

A: Let’s go see Louis. He knows everybody!

B: Yes, let’s!

6. Language Lesson Land citizens live fully in the present. “Carpe Diem!”, they would toast each other at the sidewalk café (if they spoke Latin instead of French). They waste no time reflecting on the past, and they rarely set their sights on the future, other than discussing where they might dine that night. I suspect that there is a more literate group of Language Lesson Land denizens who can carry on finely-nuanced conversations using the imperfect and present subjunctive, but they frequent other cafes in advanced lesson books that I’ve only dreamed about being able to comprehend.

In reality, of course, language phrasebooks and guides are very helpful. I’ve compiled a list of actual items from phrasebooks that I find myself using quite often:

Ou est le chat? (Where is the cat?)
J’ai besoin d’acide borique. (I need boric acid.)
Ou est le fronton? (Where is the jai alai court?)
Que diable voulez-vous? (What the devil do you want?)
Qu’ est-ce que l’amour? (What is love?)

And these are useful phrases that I keep at the ready in case they are needed:

Do you know where I can rent a typewriter?
There are four of us but only three sleeping bags. (Possible pick up line)
Which ambulance do you prefer, this one or that one?

Here are some sentences that I’ve yet to use:

Allez-vous me donner un bon caddy? (Will you provide me with a good caddy?)
Je resterai ici tout ete. Je voudrais une chamber qui donne sur l’ocean. (I’ll be staying here all summer. I’d like a room facing the ocean.)

Here are some I get tired of hearing or using:

Laissez-moi tranquille ou j’applele un agent! (Leave me alone or I’ll call a policeman!)
Ouvrez vos bagages, s’il vous plait. (Open your bags, please.)
Je veux un avocat. (I need a lawyer.
Pouvez-vous pousser ma voiture? (Can you give my car a push?)
Il n’y a pas d-eau courant. (There is no running water.)

Well, there are many other examples, but it’s time to close. I’ve searched my

phrasebook for a statement both dramatic and profound with which to close these notes. And I think the clear winner, there on page 86, is:

“Ma tante doit vomir!”